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The Most Powerful Smell in News.
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Administration Fearful Attacks Are Backfiring
- "Wait a minute," commented Karl Rove, "we want John Kerry... not that delicious... I mean photogenic John Edwards guy!"
- President Bush still in the process of learning remaining candidates' names.
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Wisconsin's voters sent the Democratic Party a different message than they've seen in a while: "Bush attack ads work."
The number of secretive groups of potential terrorists, also know as "sleeper cells," is on the increase. Tom Ridge gave President Bush the bad news Monday evening.
"I'll be danged if'n I can figger out why," remarked a puzzled Bush. "Prob'ly Clinton's fault, I suppose."
Internet Ad "Unprincipled? Look Who's Talking" Reaches Tens
>> Campaign spot hailed by one viewer as "big pile of liberal crap."
>> Internet ads expected to multiply like rabbits this year.
Bush Puzzled by Increase
in Number of "Sleeper Cells"
"Why are the Arabs so dang angry?"
FOX BIOS
ASSman, David
Blows, Tony
Boilerplate Boys
Cavuto, Fluffy
Doofus, Seedy N.
Drug Addict
FOX and Friends
Führer, Mark
Gibson, Glug-Glug
Hannity, Shemp
Hill, E.D.
Hubris, Brit
KILLMEAT, Byron
Levin, Dork
LIE'ly, Billow
Miller, Shaky
Murdoch, Rupert
Napolitano, Andrew
North, Oliver
Priggish, Newt
Rails, Codger
Rivera, Geraldo
Smith, Shitturd
Stammerin, Carl
Thomas, Cal
Von Clusternen, Gretel
Schwarzenegger on Smoke
California's governor says now is the time to make the State Capitol a smoke-friendly zone.
"It's not like there's aneething else goink on in Cauliflour right now," explained Mr. Schwarzenegger.
Liberal tree-hugging environmentalist wackos are in disagreement, however. Instead of focusing harder on the environment, they say, Governor Schwarzenegger is wasting time and resources making an open-air "smoking plaza" and "pub" for California legisilators.
"Vee are reeely boart wit de fact dat dere's absolutely nutting goink on in de state rah-eeght now," laughed a tipsy Arnold.
Kerry, King of Flip-Flop, Has no Principles at All
But He's Consistently the Most Liberal Senator on Capitol Hill
FOX Offers $1M to Anyone Who Can Successfully Merge These Contradictory Spins
If you watch FOX News you know John Kerry is the biggest flip-flopper
this side of the Nile. And you also know John Kerry's voting record shows
that he's consistently liberal, even more so than fellow Massachusetts
Senator Ted Kennedy.
But you may be surprised to learn these characterizations actually negate
one another! FOX's own Judge Andrew Diminutivo recently brought this
to light, and at the time of this printing approximately 35% of FOX
correspondents say they see his point.
"It's quite simple, really," explains Diminutivo, "if he always legislates
like a liberal, then he's acting on principle. That's what 'principle' means.
If, on the other hand, he's a major waffler then his voting record will almost
certainly reflect an even mixture of conservative and liberal trends."
Many here at FOX disagree with the judge's assessment. Shemp Hannity, for example, calls the analysis "just ridiculous."
"It's just ridiculous," opines Shemp Hannity. "It don't make any sense so it's obviously just ridiculous," he repeated. "I mean, I like the judge and all, but he's startin' to sound like a liberal with all this doublespeak."
Bill O'Reilly, on the other hand, calls Judge Diminutivo's analysis "brilliant," but adds, "I'm the one who told him about it, mkay? He got that from me. But you don't hear me complainin. Ahright?"
Overly Litigious Liberal Traitor Sues Patriot Ashcroft
In what many at FOX are referring to as the "most ridiculous item of the day" Assistant U.S. Attorney Richard Convertino is suing John Ashcroft.
Apparently Mr. Ashcroft may have bent a few rules in the interest of national safety and protecting America from at least seventy-five terrorist acts that would have definitely happened had he not taken some liberties with the so-called "law."
What more traitorous act could someone commit than question the authority of John Ashcroft while there's a war going on? Doesn't this guy realize there are thousands of Iraqis cheering right now because they can see the disruption he's causing?
What better way to aid and abet the enemy than question your Attorney General! Someone hang this traitor!
President Bush speaks with Brit Hume on the White House lawn.
Congratulations Brit!
Brit Hume Enters His Seventh year at FOX.
Schwarzenegger was shocked to hear about San Francisco's mayor Gavin Newsom's recent decision to grant gay couples marriage licenses.
"You are jokink mit meee," puffed Arnie, adding, "I'm drunk, but I am not ZAT drunk!"
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