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The Most Powerful Smell in News.

Today's Features

Ebullient Iraqis Accidentally Set Baghdad Afire

Overly Anxious to Sign Constitution, Pro-American Iraqis Bungle Fireworks Show

- "We were trying to emulate America's July the Fourth celebrations!"

- During monthly appearance in public Vice President "L'il Dick" Cheney calls the attacks... that is, celebrations "a positive sign."

RELATED STORIES:

> President Bush sends taped congratulations to Iraqis who "brung it on."

> Paul Bremer seen drying his eyes, insists "not crying."

American style party-goers inadvertently set the entire town of Baghdad and its "Green Zone" on fire Sunday evening. Explained one local official, "once the Red Ground Spinners hit the Blue Palm Fountains, it was all over!"

"Unprincipled? Look Who's Talking" Flash Animation Actually Works Now

>> Webmaster fixes 'Xtra' problem, responding to friendly advice like "you stupid sonofabich" and "dubmass liberal pussey" (sic).

>> Author's trials and tribulations inspiring; claims, "I'm keeping my day job."

By Neil Cavuto

What Fair and Balanced term
best describes John Kerry?

Results will appear in next week's edition. Vote as often as you like.

President Unites Families of Victims With Fond Memories
Liberals Stumped at Brilliant P.A. Maneuver by Karl Rove

Putting the "ass" in compassion, the White House has decided to run nostalgic video of happier times - to remind voters what four more years under a Bush administration would mean.

Bush asked to repeat denial that lead-infused D.C.-area water has affected his mental capacity.

Pres doesn't recall denying it the first time. Aides, however, insist White House's water "not same" as the water D.C. residents are forced to consume.

"They can always buy it in bottles" - aide.

Current period of no attacks against the U.S. ninth best ever.

Period preceding attacks of 9-11 ranks second to period between Civil War and 1941. Bush administration see reason to celebrate: "it's not often you come in ninth place" - Press Secretary Scott McLellan.

Bush Sends Nader Birthday Greetings

President Bush sent political activist and consumer advocate Ralph Nader a belated birthday card last week.

"He's a good guy," Mr. Bush magnanimously declared, "and I'm thinkin' about funding a coupla political ads for the guy."

Nader could not be reached at his home in hell.

Stewart Gets What She Deserves

Eglin Federal prepares to incarcerate America's worst corporate criminal ever. Stewart to be assigned to "weed-whacking" detail.

Stewart has not yet been sentenced.

Snow still at FOX News.

Despite many fan letters demanding we re-hire him, Tony Snow is still employed by FOX News.

Recovering from a recent bout of foot-in-mouth disease (brought on by the Bush administration's Medicare legislation late last year), Snow has not left FOX, and in fact is filling in nicely for (taped shows) in the popular 2:00-3:00 a.m. time slot.

When questioned about his recent illness Snow responded, "no comment."

Stern, who recently lost sponsorship in six of his major, syndicated markets, says he's no match for the president, whom he calls 'a religious fanatic' with a 'bizarro agenda'."

"It's almost as if he doesn't realize (the current state of the world) is leading up to the glorious Rapture!" exclaimed the incredulous imbecile Powell. "Jesus is watching, and we're in a war against terror," he continued, "and idealistic liberals like Stern don't realize how easy it's gonna be to completely stamp out evil once and for all."

Powell thinks replacing Stern's E! show with a more righteous, less secular show is a great idea. "We can mosaic out the graphic stuff," barked Powell.

Administration Almost Ready to Unveil "Clinton Did It" Excuse for Situation in Haiti.

Obstacles include:

> Not exposing exactly what conditions surrounded Aristide's "departure" from the island.

> Claiming military personnel shortages were fault of Clinton, while not having to explain the administration's failure to increase recruitment requirements until Fiscal Year 2003.

> Preventing George Bush from wondering "they have blacks in the Caribbean too?" aloud.

And, in non-Haiti-related matters,

> Explaining how Clinton sold China the bomb they then sold to Pakistan in 1983.

"That last one's really kicking our ass," - Rove

F.C.C. Chairman Decides First Amendment No Longer Applies to Howard Stern
Colin Powell's Portly Son Calls the Shock Jock an "Enemy of the State," to Which the Bill of Rights no Longer Applies

Colin Powell's chubby son has a bone to pick with shock-jock Howard Stern.

"He called my daddy's boss a Jesus freak," belted the rotund retard to his fellow patrons at the local Five Guys Famous Burger and Fries Eatery.

According to Powell, everything Stern says on his show amounts to aiding and abetting the enemy. Thus, he reasons, Stern is an enemy of the state.

"Lucky for Stern Mr. Ashcroft is in the hospital right now," gloated the garrulous glutton. "Otherwise his behind would be in Guantanamo right about now."

Justice Blackmun's Memoirs Interpreted Incorrectly by Liberal Press

Clearly he was anti-abortion, and remained - until the very end - reluctant to coddle liberal whims. Stay tuned to FOX for real true interpretations of the real truth.

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