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Diez bombas explotan en varios trenes del viajero en Madrid, España

- Presidente Aznar arrepiente haber dicho que el terrorismo se ha puesto debilitado recienmente

- Investigaciones indican hasta el momento que los responsables del ataque son de la red Al Qaeda, cuyo miembros son de Afghanistan y Arabia Saudita; pues si que Sr. Ricardo Cheney recomienda que España invada Syria o Iran

CUENTOS RELACIONADOS:

> Los Conservadores Nacionales preparan mensaje anunciando que, por suerte, Albert Gore no era el Presidente en el momento de ataque. "Hubiera sido los ulti-mismi-simos dias de la Patria si no fuera por el magnifico Sr. Aznar!" - Hector Goya, Zaragoza

> Sr. George Bush llama al hermano, Jeb, para preguntarle como se dice "Bring it on" en Español

By Neil Cavuto

Which choice for Vice President best fits John Kerry's style?

Results will appear in next week's edition. Vote as often as you like.

Hey, get this - didja see the FOX and FRIENDS Valentine's Day Special?

Well, dude, get this - we had babes... in skimpy lingerie, and even talked a few into baring their nipples! How rad is that??

Truly, my fondest memory of 2004, but not quite as luscious as that day we had fourteen porn stars drop by in their thongs. Yowza!

FCC Chairman Admits He'll Never Quite Beat His Daddy on that Whole "Hetero" Thing

"I've come really close to equalling my dad's other accomplishments," said Michael Powell, "but this helpless feeling that I can never escape my sexuality is what drives me to be such a sanctimonious prick."

Liddy, Limbaugh, and Gallagher Unite

Convict G. Gordon Liddy, Heroin Addict Rush Limbaugh, and Morbidly Obese Mike Gallagher are banding together for a new FOX News series tentatively called "Personal Responsibility." Last week I sat down with the trio to ask them a few questions about the show.

"When I was a kid, this country was run by responsible white men," says Liddy, "and that's no scientific study - it's my impression. And everyone knows a kid's impressions are more valid than any silly scientific, revisionist study." According to Liddy, one-time bitch of another convict named 'Bubba,' America today is run by creeps, crackheads, and crooks.

Personal Responsibility will focus on a nation crippled by irresponsibility, says Liddy, who suffers from advanced heart disease brought on by forty-four years of smoking.

Between pineapple upside-down cakes, 422 pound radio personality Mike Gallagher brought up an interesting point: "the government thinks no one can take care of themselves anymore. We're all adults - and no darned doctors are going to tell me what I can or can't put in my mouth. Mmfff mmmf mmrble mff."

Despite the friendly reception by Gallagher and Liddy, Limbaugh didn't seem to recognize me at first - and in fact it took a minute for him to recall that FOX News is his favorite cable news network.

"The walls are humming," remarked an oddly distracted Limbaugh, "so don't ask me anything else until you

disable all the bugs and hidden cameras in this joint." After I reminded him we were in his house, Limbaugh ran downstairs to trip the master breaker before finally finding the will to get to the point:

"Look, Sean, this is a free country, but everyone's taking that description just a little too far, if you ask me." He continued, "I mean, it's one thing to be free, but if we're not responsible at the same time the next you know we'll be a nation of substance abusers."

Cutting the interview short, Limbaugh returned to his basement studio for pre-show preparations, mentioning something about "editing the news segment."

Personal Responsibility will debut in April.

As War's Anniversary Approaches, Bush
Pleased With Success
"We've done exactly what we planned to do," says Vice President Richard "L'il Dick" Cheney, continuing, "the only thing left is finding WMDs, proving a connection between Iraq and Al Qaeda, and defeating terrorism."

Less than 600 Americans dead, less than 3,000 maimed. "Not too shabby," says Secretary of Defense Donald Ricklesfeld.

Palestinian Homocide Bombers Kill at least Ten
as They Kill Themselves Too
A pair of homicide bombers killed ten Israelis, and also killed themselves in the process. The White House Commission on Establishing a Word for People Who Kill Themselves (WHCEWPWKT) is still pursuing a satisfactory term for people who kill themselves.

WHCEWPWKT is currently considering a term for double-homicide bombers, "homina-cide."

Overly Idealistic Liberals not Open to Ideal of Completely Eradicating Evil Once and For All
According to Amazon.com, topping the list of books almost exclusively bought by conservatives were "An End to Evil: How to Win the War on Terror" and "Deliver Us From Evil."

Focus Group Considers Target of Next War Effort
"We make the best out of our sponsor's funds," says group's chairman. "Terror is just about beaten, so we're being pressed on the nation's next ambiguous, ethereal enemy."

The group's top recommendations to follow the War on Terror - 1. War on Hatred
2. War on Passive Aggression
3. War on Duplicitous Bidding

Bush Takes Break in Camp David
President Bush is due home later today after a short reprieve in Camp David. "I think it's a good time to rest," said Mr. Bush, " 'cause there ain't too much goin' on right now, anyways."

Bush Says Now is the Time to Invade Afghanistan
With the war in Iraq nearing completion, Bush says it's time to go after secondary priorities, like the obscure terrorist group known as Al-Qaeda, who call Afghanistan home.

"It'll be the cherry on top," says Condoleeza Rice, "and we think this group might pose a serious threat to our nation some time in the future."

Professional Sports Is
No Place For Makeup

Look, ahright? when I was a kid, I used ta play football, baseball, ice hockey, cricket, I wrestled, I boxed, mm-right? I juggled knives, and ran the 100 yard dash in seven seconds, mkay? So, LOOK: now I'm a better man 'cause as a kid I learned ta be such a great competitor, mmkay?

Now, an' I'm not gonna lie here, but I'm a pretty big guy, mmkay? I'm six foot nine, I got a fifty-five inch chest and thirty-four inch waist, and I can bench press five hundred smackeroos, mright? Mkay.

But when I see today's professional athletes, no matter how big they are, mkay? wearin' earrings and nose-rings and even eye shadow, it sickens me. Mkay?

So cut it out, guys, mkay? We're men here, ah-right? We don't do that stuff, ahkay? Only Hollywood liberals like George Clooney bother with the makeup stuff, mright?