FOX NEWS
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Bush Shows His Love
The president expresses his profound understanding of Freudian slips.
Neil Talks Back
Neil Cavuto reads some friendly (and some not-so-friendly) fan mail on the air!
Rush Leaks On Air
Rush Limbaugh -- never too busy to boil an impertinent listener's butt -- tells Greg from Orlando what's what, and who's who.
Arnold's Successful Campaign - One Year Later
Revisit the winning TV ad that helped secure Schwarzenegger's 2003 political thef... make that victory.
You've got questions. We've got more.
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Original Faux News Logo © 2001 ('nuff said)
'Spinner' Logo © 2003
This site is in no way associated with the Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation or the Fox News Channel. All material herein is intended as parody. Any similarities in format or "personnel" are purely satirical. If you're looking for a good case of the Big Hammer, then sue away. I could use the material.
Condescending Liberals Don't Realize the President Knows What's Best for Iraq
What does it take for today's left wingers to realize their ideas are incongruous with the state of the world as a pseudo-American corporate conglomeration?
We're in a war we can't... excuse me for misspeaking... a war we CAN win, against terrorism, and the liberal ways of yore are no longer relevant to those genuinely interested in cultivating the budding growth in international support George Bush's policies have nurtured.
"I AM THE GOD OF HELL FIRE!"
W. Bests Daddy's A Thousand Points of Light with A Thousand Pointless Deaths
Keynote Speaker Zell Miller Writhes and Shrieks in Calm, Pragmatic Fashion
Republicans Amazed Contemporary Democrat is also Fundamentalist Christian
Miller, the only 1960s Dixiecrat who never Flip-Flopped to become a Republican, thrilled neoconservative onlookers as he relived the "Here's Johnny!" scene from The Shining
Convention concessionaires report a marked increase in sales of Tylenol, Aspirin, and Motrin immediately following Zell's unemotional, mature tirade
Alan Keyes calls Miller's rhetoric "pleasantly optimistic"
Senator Miller has been contacted by the Smithsonian Institute, who are interested in preserving the last Democrat to reject heliocentrism, germ theory, and evolution.
President Whose Patriot Act Imperils Everyone's
Freedom: 'The Government Shouldn't Run People's Lives'
Leader of Political Party That Regularly Condemns Idealists Spells Out Wishlist No One in His Right Mind Thinks is Feasible
Responsible for federal spending in excess of all before him, combined, Bush now promises to contain federal spending
President successfully puts "Saddam Hussein" and "the lessons of 9/11" in the same sentence twelve times; proudly disrespects Usama bin Laden by not mentioning him at all
Brilliant Texan points out everyone is headed for mysterious phenomenon known as "the future"
[more]
More Convention Highlights
GOP Security Specialists bravely beat up women
Dick Cheney Terrorizes Stupid Voters
The Gallant Battle Against Terrorism Includes Scare Tactics
Just Because We're Flamboyant, Doesn't Mean We're Girly-Men
Alright, so I'm talkin' to th' liberal rag The Dallas News th'other day, mkay? an' I make the mista... er, calculated move of saying we folks here at FOX are 'flamboyant,' ah-right? Mkay. Now, LOOK: before you guys send me some hate mail - know'd'I'm sayin'? - lemme explain why I said that, alright?
Bein' flamboyant doesn't mean you're a girly-man, ahright? Mkay? Doesn't mean you wear makeup, or pay a gay guy 60 thou a year to spend forty-five
minutes a day making your decrepit face look its actual age instead of twenty years its elder, all right?
Hurricane Ivan: A Grave and Gathering Danger;
Not expected to become
an Imminent Threat
Massive storm system not headed for the U.S. -- that's a slam-dunk guarantee by your crack meteorology staff at FNC.
Evil duo to split profits from late summer release
Ebert and Roeper give it "Two Explosive Thumbs Up!"
Critics laud multi-angle featurettes, Dolby soundtrack; decry discs' incomplete subtitles
Related Stories:
FOX News interns spend two hours explaining to Shemp Hannity this doesn't mean Saddam Hussein "exscaped"
Completely unencumbered by political correctness, FOX News Channel quietly opts to spell bin Laden's first name with a Fair and Balanced "U," instead of the traditional American spelling, with an "O"
[more]
O Usama bin Laden, Al Zawahri Release Third Season, "Wanted: Dead or Alive," on DVD
:: "Keeps internet-surfing FOX News fans blissful" - Roger Ailes
:: Decision made long ago; so far working brilliantly
Our analysts have determined that Cheney was indeed speaking the truth. According to the FOX News Staff of International Relations, the last major terrorist attack against the U.S.A. was, much like the recession, inherited by the current administration.
"The attacks of 9/11 were a leftover from Clinton," said Stu Ball, FOX contributor and Pentagon Intelligence Analyst, "including those post-dated historical documents about Al Qaeda hijacking planes and slamming them into buildings."
FOX News has learned that ^ President Dick Cheney had originally planned to quote several passages from the Bible ("some real scary shit") but later neglected to study up beforehand.
"Fuck it," said the jolly ^ president this morning, continuing, "It didn't take a whole lot of effort to say it, and above everything I value convenience. Shit, I'll probably say it again -- how many more times am I speaking this month..? let's see, oh yeah... I'll say it again four times before the end of the month. I mean, Vote for us, or die. How much clearer can I make it?"
"Vote for us, or die. It's that simple."
"There oughta be limitationisms on freeness."
Revisiting "Personal Responsibility"
Quick - which FOX TV weekly series features celebrity Republicans discussing the alarming trend of irresponsible adult behavior?
Last spring FOX launched a new concept in American media: conservatives criticizing liberals for bringing this great nation to her knees. The popularity of Personal Responsibility, hosted by Rush Limbaugh, G. Gordon Liddy, and Mike Gallagher, has surprised even its stars. "I saw the ratings," booms Limbaugh, "and thought I was hallucinating."
I pine for the day when the condescension will cease.
More Convention Highlights
Steve Doocey earned his certification in meteorology through a distance learning program at Cloud County Community College, which fully qualifies him for the type of political analysis FOX News viewers enjoy every day.
Always deferential, Bush pauses between holes to pay respect to America's fallen heroes.
"Already a hundred, eh?"
FNC cameramen successfully locate and film all twenty-three minorities who attended the GOP Convention
FOX Anchors Poised to Wield Double- Standard First Championed During "Condit-Gate" --
If a preponderance of evidence makes George Bush look bad, give equal or more time to whatever harebrained minority/crazy conspiracy theory that might originate from Horowitz or Rove
If a smidgen of evidence or fringe group of attention-seeking loonies make John Kerry look bad, ridicule whatever alternate explanation there might be, no matter how much more logical it may be
Bill O'Reilly working hard on Monday evening's "Most Ridiculous Item of the Day," in which Bill will cleverly compare Dan Rather with discredited New York Times reporter Jayson Blair
Exploiting Catastrophic Failure
Remembering 9/11: Arlington
Being a true-blue capitalist, the president made sure to capitalize on his greatest political asset this morning - a disastrous lapse in national security.
Forever compassionate and big-hearted, Bush charitably nodded his head for seven minutes during the moment of silence.
Factual, Objective Documents That Make
Bush Look Bad are Always Forgeries
On the Other Hand, Subjective Recollections of a Small
Group of Bitter Conservative Vets are Always Factual
A Fair and Balanced Analysis
North Korean Endorsement of Bush Comes in the Form of a Mushroom Cloud
- Bush preemptively appeases Commie foe despite concerns of flip-flopping international community
- General Kim Jong-il requests expansion of U.S. "zero tolerance" standards to include espionage policies
- Swift Boat Vets for Truth question existence of North Korea; have different recollections of geography, history
Manly, Self-Sufficient Republicans Gleeful Over Lift of Semi-Automatic Weapons Ban
- Steady drop in violent crime rates boring Americans; semiautomatic weapons the perfect remedy for a nation craving excitement
- Gangsters from L.A. to N.Y. reconsider their political affiliation
- Penis-envy sufferers with unshakable resistance to Viagra see relief on the horizon
- Duck boat manufacturer seeking used gunship mounts from USAF
Anticipating a major influx of nerdy, young conservatives, weapons instructors across the nation brush up on their "you don't have to be physically strong to be a man" lecture. (AP)
Liberated Iraqis Grateful Evil Virtually Eradicated
"If Saddam were still in charge today," said this exuberant Iraqi woman, "I would have died many, many years ago."
[more]
Freeper, Tax - Funded Rescue Workers Put Aside Differences in the Interest of Logic
Pensacola resident Barry Till agreed to stop hating taxes long enough to be rescued from certain death. "I would've rescued me, myself," said the portly papster, "but I thought it'd be manly to make these socialists feel useful for a change."
Communist Hurricane Hates Freedom
On Wednesday the president vowed to pursue the complete elimination of destructive weather phenomena, like Hurricane Ivan, right after he's completely eliminated evil from Earth. Bush: "should be just as easy."
Bush Embraces Story Wherein Deaths Cannot
Be Attributed to HimMillions of Gulf Coast Residents Grateful for Fiscally Conservative Administration:
- "Thank God George Bush is president during this time of destruction and temptation" - Navarre, Florida pastor Nate Register
- "If Kerry were in the White House, we'd have a federal deficit too big to support relief efforts" - Mobile Mayor Mike Dow
Would-Be Homicide Bomber Preemptively Kills Himself
(Baghdad, Iraq) - A disgruntled Iraqi man who had prepared to commit self-homicide in the name of Jihad had a last-minute change of mind Friday afternoon.
Rather than appease himself, the man decided to preemptively take himself out before he could go through
with it.
Witnesses recount the man's last moments - saying he appeared conflicted about something and kept repeating the alternating slogans "FOUR MORE MINUTES!" and "ANYBODY BUT ME!" In the end, bystanders say, he decided to stop himself before he could attack.
"No doubt he was a strong conservative," suggested SFC Wilson, a platoon sergeant of the 10th Mountain Division, continuing, "you could tell he was smart enough to take the fight to himself."
FOX News has learned six other, innocent people died in the blast, but note that it might have been much worse. President Bush is expected to commend the vigilance and fortitude of the would-be evil doer, once someone has read him this story.
Halliburton Eyeballs Pensacola
- Hurricane Ivan estimated to be second most costly in U.S. history
- No-notice, no-good lawyers quickly pen no-bid contracts
- Fired-up congressional Democrats gearing up to look the other way
- Bush to divert monies from frivolous "veterans" funds
- Cheney: getting the conservative town back up and running by November "absolutely fucking crucial"
Bush Demands U.N. Fess Up Permission Slip John Kerry Would Seek if He Were President
A solid, non-waffling pillar of strength, George Bush appeals to an irrelevant United Nations Council for assistance in his efforts to go it alone in Irag.
Leader of the World's Most Powerful Nation Tries for His Third Time to Get at Least One Other Nation to Follow Him
Related Headlines:- Attending delegates offer compassionate and conservative applause.
- President still comfortable making broad distortions, resting on laurels; unabashedly referred to Hussein's capture as "terror-related"
- Bush astonished at Secretary General's race; quipped "the U.N.'s got blacks, too?"
Tom Ridge Ensures Homeland Safe from Horrific, 'Nutty Folk Musicians Who Vaguely Look Like bin Laden' Threat
"Have you heard this crap?" asks Tom Ridge, Secretary of Homeland Security. Ridge holds up a copy of Yusaf Islam's 2001 release, Izitso, thought by many to be his worst album.
"If it ain't country, western, or gospel," laughed Ridge, "it aint music. Music ought to talk about God, the military, or booze. At least that's the way the new Patriot Act defines it."
Florida Surrenders to Mother Nature
Sunshine state on the verge of nervous breakdown; said to have completely lost appetite, rapidly shedding weight.
Church-going governor Jeb Bush reminds fellow Christians to demand God "bring it on."
"Madlib" Enthusiast Replaces Names, Dates; Legitimizes Fictitious Book
Richard Miniter refuses to acknowledge original book is now ironic, comical
to "$200 billion," "Clinton" to "Bush" and "by firing 78 cruise missiles at him" to "by going to war against the wrong nation."
New, truthful version of Miniter's once- fictional account was created by the simple changing of Defense Budget figures from "$30 billion"
Liberal Mainstream Press Refuses to Broadcast Upbeat 'Car Bomb,' 'Beheading,' and 'Children Dying' News Stories
A new FOX study reveals no Muslim outrage at the mainstream press' refusal to air positive stories about Iraq.
Despite the overwhelming daily influx of good news most "news" organizations continue to cast homicide bombings in a negative light.
Fewer people were beheaded in Iraq in 2003 than in New Jersey in the entire 20th century.
So why are we the only network telling you this?
Yusaf Islam, the pop-folk musician formerly known as Cat Stevens, is expected to provide information on the whereabouts of fellow 70s-soft rockers Christopher "Mohammed Aziz" Cross and Dan "Zarkawi" Fogelberg.
The FOX News 'Buried Story Royale'
Oil Stays the Course of Inflation
Governor Who Exploited State Ruined by Deregulation Vetoes Bill Because it Doesn't Allow for Enough Deregulation
Cauliflower State Politics
- Schwarzenegger, who once pledged to expedite utilities' ability to get power from renewable sources, convinced lying to Californians "a safe bet"
- Between phone calls to the White House Arnold reiterated his commitment to clean up politics
- State Republicans working feverishly at pushing through legislation outlawing recall votes
By positioning his pinky finger at just the right angle Governor Schwarzenegger proves exactly how un-girly-manlike he is.
A few years back I stumbled across a damning, compelling document that I thought would've certainly exposed my boss for the crook he was. It was a scary moment, for sure, as I was forced to stare down the double-barreled choice of obeying the law and sacrificing the legacy of my idolic bossman, or going to prison for protecting the criminal.
Fortunately, he showed me a third alternative, played senile for awhile, and got me the biggest document shredder... that is, reorganizer I'd ever laid eyes on.
But that's not the point. The point is - I was scared, man. I mean, really scared. Until Mr. Reag... er, my boss got me that document reorganizer, I was shitting bricks. So I know what it's like to be scared, and having to funnel, er... allocate financial aid for the Nicarag... um, Ethiopian Nuns when you're scared is no easy task, let me tell you.
John Kerry wants you to be scared; he wants you to fear George Bush's policies. This is a shameful stance, and I know for a fact if you vote for Kerry this country will be attacked no less than eighteen times in his first year in office.
The FOXymoronic Spin of the Day
You Will DIE if You Fall for John Kerry's Scare Tactics on November 2 Ollie North
North is a combat-experienced veteran who earned nearly as many medals in 22 years as John Kerry won in four. Having plenty experience in
illicit activities, and absolutely no regard whatsoever for the U.S. Constitution, Oliver fits neatly into the mold of FOX News political pundit.
Exhibiting its clear pre- eminence in the domain of energy resources, Oil has refused to waver from its steady, righteous course towards total economic absurdity. At 50 bucks a barrel, Oil -- along with its coalition of Gasoline, Diesel Fuel, and Kerosene -- is financing the resounding defeat of experimental sciences, such as Alternative Fuel Research.
FBI slow to Translate Tony Blair Transcripts for President Bush
Intelligence sources confirm the Federal Bureau of Investigations has neglected to translate more than 174 hours of insightful and pertinent terrorism-related speeches given by Tony Blair over the past two years. According to President Bush, the translations are "valuable - in other words, they're worth a lot to me - in other words, I like them."
An independent, nonpartisan, Fair and Balanced® FOX News study shows that the primary cause for this delay is a computer program which was undoubtedly written by some liberal, egghead wack job.
As President Bush pointed out a couple days ago, thanks to the efforts of his strong and focused planning, the Taliban no longer exist.
In fact, FOX News has learned the Taliban are so nonexistent by this point that virtually everything and everybody they come in contact with becomes nonexistent. A solid, non-flip- flopping man whose non-nation building policy clearly allowed for the building of a nation or two, Bush expressed extreme
satisfaction with himself over the apparent victory.
Said Bush, "thank God I was president during the 9/11 crisis. Otherwords, (sic) the Taliban wouldn't be as actively nonexistent as they are today."
